Love Yourself Too

This time of year brings a mix of emotions for many. Celebrating love by recognizing Valentine’s Day has become quite a popular excuse to display extra ways of showing affection for a loved one. I’m all for seizing moments and making the most of them. I prefer showing my affection in little (and big) ways throughout the day, the year, a lifetime. Love is not exclusively about being with another person, either. Love is a feeling, an expression, an essence or state of being. It is selfless, considerate, thoughtful, thought-provoking and warm.

We often think about love in terms of being shared with another person. While this kind of love can be enriching, romantic and mutually rewarding, it is not always about having a person or partner to love. It is paramount to love yourself, too.

“Love yourself first, because that is who you’ll be spending the rest of your life with.”

Many stories, movies and other forms of entertainment would have men and women feeling like there is only a happy ending if two people find each other and live happily ever after. Another variation would be that having a partner somehow “completes” us. However, there is another hero/heroine to have a real tangible love story with, and that is yourself. Loving you. Perhaps you’ve heard Shakespeare’s famous quote “to thine own self be true”? In other words, if you deceive yourself to please another, the relationship isn’t built on truth, on a solid foundation. Eventually, this can lead to unstable habits, choices and relationships, and result in regret, anger and other negative outcomes. How can you tell if you are not making a decision that is good for you? You question yourself repeatedly, or you try to rationalize what you’re feeling, or it simply doesn’t feel good. Pay attention to those signs so you choose wisely. Your body’s inner wisdom (intuition) won’t let you down. You just have to listen, then obey.

“The more you love yourself, the less nonsense you’ll tolerate.”

If you were witness to insensitivity or hostility from one person to another, how would it make you feel? You would no doubt notice indignation well up inside you. Would you interject and want to rescue the offended party or would you just quietly say to yourself that it’s none of your business? You would most likely either interject yourself or find someone who could. This is no different than allowing someone to treat you unfairly, or try to make you do something you don’t want to do. Honor yourself and what you believe in by showing up, and standing up for yourself.

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean giving up who you are as an individual. It is essential to continue to learn and grow in things that are important to you, or that will propel you forward. If someone else’s idea of who you should be doesn’t align with who you are or where you are going, this may be a crossroad of being true to yourself at the risk of losing another. How many times have we bent over backwards for another, to be sure to keep a commitment that was made, even if it wasn’t in our best interest? Sometimes, in light of new information, our minds are changed, and being true to yourself and your ideals needs to come first in order to avoid being compromised. This can be challenging, especially when it means disappointing another.

Other ways of showing up for yourself are making time to just be by yourself. What would you do if you didn’t have to consider another person’s ideas or taste? Make a date with yourself to see a movie, read a book, take a bath, write letters or start a hobby. Don’t just go along with the crowd if it’s not something you believe in or support.

“How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.” — Rupi Kaur

One of my favorite prose poems by Oriah Mountain Dreamer suggests other ways of loving yourself. It is called “The Invitation.” The following sections are excerpts from this piece:

Verse 6
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

Verses 11 and 12
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

“The fact that someone else loves you doesn’t rescue you from the project of loving yourself.” — Sahaj Kohli